every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
