My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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