I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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