He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
