Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
