Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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