I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
