You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I look better un-naked...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
