I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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