alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize