Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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