You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
