Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
