Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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