I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
