If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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