Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
