I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
