Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
