He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
