it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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