I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
