i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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