mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
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