I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
