I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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