I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
