Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
