Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
They are going to name an STD after you.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
