i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
