Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
