Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
