I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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