I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
