apparently the secret to your success is patron
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize