i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
