I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
