apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
