I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
