every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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