WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
