I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
