highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
