i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
