I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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