I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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