I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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