You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
