Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
