it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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