I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
