1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I understand Curling. That high.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
