I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
